Skulls, Trolls and Lemon Drizzle – Adventures in the Corrupted Town

Special Investigative Correspondent Xaniphe reports on her first expedition beneath Dungeon Island

Having recently (and surprisingly) been offered gainful employment with the Gazette of Arche Terre, I’ve been searching for something on which to write my first article that hopefully does not end with me being sued for defamation. So when, last Thursday night when I was wandering through town looking for mischief to become involved with, I was kindly offered a place on an expedition to the Corrupted Town on Dungeon Island, I leapt at the opportunity! Some of you may have visited the place before, maybe many times before. I had not. Although frequently accused of being a corrupting influence myself, I’ve never had the pleasure of venturing to this part of the isles, and foolishly hoped it might be full of like-minded souls as opposed to the trap-obsessed kobolds, constantly whining trolls and other such vermin that we actually encountered there. Nevertheless, I am pleased to bring you this account of our heroic venture into the caverns beneath the town (and, more importantly, the subsequent celebratory trip to the local doughnut shop).

For those who have never been before, the adventure begins in an ominous looking town, which we were transported to by an even more ominous looking boatman. How a beholder can even man the helm without any arms is beyond me, but I felt it unwise to question someone with so many razor sharp teeth… though at least in my imagination he was steering the wheel with his little eyestalks. In any case, we somehow avoided being dashed on the rocks and arrived intact to find a gloomy little village where everybody keeps their doors locked. We were informed that the armoured soldiers at the gate were ‘valiant protectors’ standing guard against any intrusion into the town, but the number of burnt out buildings we passed made me think that they too were perhaps spending more time at the doughnut shop than doing their jobs. Understandable, perhaps, but they clearly needed help.

So our team of heroes assembled outside the town, ready to plunge into the monster-filled caves and save the town from any further corrupting other than our own. Possessed of extreme courage, tactical brilliance, and an altogetether unreasonable level of stunning good looks, there were six of us at first. Elexa, armed with a dagger and a sexy wiggle, was there to keep the enemies distracted and make sure I didn’t get stabbed too much. She was ably assisted in this role by Ollie, who, in cat form, also doubled as the team’s adorable mascot. Evey was there, looking so intimidating that I think several monsters collapsed from sheer awe and ab-envy before she even got to them with her sword. Surin offered magical support through healing and somehow managed to keep me alive throughout the whole journey, while Lilian did the same thing by repeatedly frying our enemies with blasts of arcane power. Yvie lit up the caverns with her glowing turquoise bow, though I’d likely have paid significantly more attention to her archery if I hadn’t been so busy being envious of her hair. My own contribution to the group was a heroic combination of shouting encouragement, hitting things with my scimitar, and occasionally falling over at strategically important moments.

Descending into the caves, the smell of rank, matted fur assaulted our nostrils, accompanied by such a growling and snarling I’d not heard the like of since trying to convince Rathala to try broccoli a few weeks back. Bears, my companions assured me, were the source. Sure enough, we were set upon by a pack of gigantic grizzlies determined to embrace us all in a most unwanted set of bear hugs. Disgracefully, one of them even took a swipe at the cat! Fortunately, Elexa bravely managed to lure the beastie away with a marmalade sandwich while the rest of us got stuck in with swords, spells and arrows. Claws flying, we battled our way through the caves, eventually finding a passage even deeper into the caverns. One of the monsters, presumably the leader, tried to follow us down to the next level, but a well-placed arrow to the snout from Yvie sent him running snivelling back to the Hundred Acre Wood.

Perhaps hearing of our triumph above, the denizens of the next level had prepared better for our arrival. Deciding they had no chance in a fair fight, the kobolds that lurked there had set up an elaborate network of traps, each more cunning and more cowardly than the last. Fortunately, Ollie demonstrated a remarkable ability to sniff them out – if you have never seen a small cat with a cute little backpack pawing at tripwires to disarm them, you’ve been missing out! And Surin was able to whizz past most of them in a blinding flash of colours that left the wretched kobolds blinking and startled while Evey and her huge sword demonstrated the benefits of a more direct approach.

Clearly disgusted by the dastardly cowardice of those spineless kobolds, Evey withdrew from the expedition to enjoy some well-earned rest before we descended further, Varlin being on hand to take her place. Sleek and graceful as he may have been in his panther form, something was nonetheless missing – fortunately, he did not protest at being fitted with a cat-backpack of his own before we returned to the fight, goblins being our next challenge.

The goblins proved just as dishonourable as the kobolds before them. They lurked in the darkness and struck when they thought our backs were turned. Which, frankly, tells you something seriously lacking about their character. Fortunately we had Surin with us, and when one of the despicable beasties had stabbed me in the back for the tenth time, she was able to both heal me back to health and bonk the nasty little creep on the head with her magic staff. A healer who takes time out of restoring her party to smack her foes in the face with a big stick is a friend always worth bringing along. And Lilian was equally impressive. She was able to navigate her way through the cave and rain torrents of magical destruction down on our enemies seemingly without ever taking her eyes from the large magical tome she was carrying. I don’t think she put it down the whole journey. Although I’m pretty sure I saw her hiding a smutty novella open between the pages, I thought better than to comment on it after seeing what she did to one of those goblins who sneaked up on her. I suspect that the rest of them are still in hiding, waiting to be sure that we’ve definitely gone.

Next were the trolls. The trolls were ugly, whiny, smelly, and thoroughly unpleasant, although I suppose it’s a little unfair of me to criticise them for all four of these things when only three were entirely their own fault. “It burrrnnnsss!” was a constant refrain that accompanied our every attack, whether Yvie’s arrows, Elexa’s dagger or Lilian’s attempt at ‘summon soap and water elemental’. Equally repugnant to all the senses, even Varlin felt the need to temporarily shift to iron golem form after taking a chunk out of one of them with his powerful panther jaw. Though if they’d spent more time fighting and less time complaining they may have thwarted us, but it was not to be, and we swiftly cut our way through to the next passage down.

We were greeted by a door with a huge grimacing skull carved into it – clearly whoever designed this place as a thing or two to learn about hospitality. Feeling decidedly less than welcome, we ventured within, only to find an odd looking figure shrouded in dark magic. Before I could start to harangue him about the working conditions of his trolls, he let loose a malevolent cackle and started to unleash wave after wave of evil magic upon us. Elexa dodged and weaved as she confronted the wicked wizard with her dagger, while Yvie’s arrows sprang like beams of light from her bow thudded into him. Ollie and Varlin (now re-panthered) struck at him with razor-sharp claws in a display that was both ferocious and utterly adorable. Lilian let loose an impressive burst of magical power, and Surin helped me up and pushed me back into the fight when I’d been sufficiently distracted by the light show that a ‘Hellball’ had knocked me flat on my back. Not to be deterred by a little bump on the head, I jumped into battle, blade held high, only to notice we were suddenly fighting not one spellcasting sleazeball, but two!

I was convinced that I’d split the bastard clean in two with a mighty strike of my scimitar. However, the more sober members of the party later informed me that this was part of his sinister magic, and that he “always does this”. I’m still not entirely convinced, however the two wicked wizards went down just as quickly as the first, and before long, loud cheers of celebration from our victorious group echoed around the cavern, accompanied by an equally delighted meowing from Ollie and Varlin.

I’m informed that there is yet more horror lurking beyond the depths we had already conquered, and naturally we intend to return and investigate. Whatever lies beyond will doubtless be dangerous, depraved and probably covered in more ominous skulls. But as our party divided the ‘artefacts’ we had found, which I am informed can be forged into such delights as bottomless quivers, naming chests and portable trash cans, Elexa and I had more pressing concerns. Searching for the kind of sustenance that befits weary, victorious heroes, we made our way to the Doughnut Shoppe and acquired several trays of lemon drizzle muffins. Tomorrow’s breakfast thus secured, we could sleep easily after a job well done.